Thursday, January 22, 2009

50 Things men should know about women...but don't

I was playing around on the Internet out of boredom,and came across this little gem.50 Things men are supposedly supposed to know about women.Well,some of these are very true,but honestly,some are just plain crap.

So let's you and I go through this very enlightening list.My comments follow each point.

1. Saying “I love you” immediately before, during, or following sex doesn’t count.
(Hearing "I love you" ALWAYS counts,so once you say it,you better be ready to back it up.It doesn't matter if you only said it in the final moment of ecstacy,point is,you said it)

2. Real men drive stick shift.
(Is this some kind of phallic thing,where a guy being good with a stick shift means he is good with his hands everywhere?Because only then would it matter to me if a guy drove stick or not)

3. I will leave if you lie.
(This is a lie.Lots of women don't leave.Even if they find you in bed with another woman.However,your girl might just be that one-in-a-million one that grabs a gun and shoots your balls off if she catches you out.Do you really want to take that chance?)

4. You are cute in raglan-sleeved T-shirts (two-toned baseball undershirts).
(I actually don't get this one.Can someone please explain it to me?)

5. I’m convinced I’m pregnant and obsess about it for a minimum of 24 to 48 hours before my period, even when I have no rational reason to think so.
(This happens to me a lot,especially if I overeat and get really nautious because of that.That always makes me think I'm pregnant for some reason,until I realise,nope,it's just those 2nd and 3rd helpings making me sick)

6. I love it when you hug me from behind and whisper in my ear.
(Only a stone-cold bitch wouldn't like this)

7. “Fine” is never an appropriate response when I ask you how I look.
(Well,I guess "Fine" is more appropriate than "Well honey,now that you're asking,I've always felt your ass looks especially huge in light blue")

8. Most of the time when I fantasize, it’s about you.

(A lot of women fantasize purely about their man,but I'd guess 90% of women are basically having sex with Brad Pitt or Sawyer from Lost every time you're in bed with them.So,no,most of the time you might as well be a well-formed sex toy for all your woman cares,because in her head she's lying on the beach with Sawyer,making jungle love)

9. I’m terrified of becoming my mother, even though I admire her.

(This one is true,for most women.Remember however,we can say how annoying and interfering our moms are,but you dare mention it,and you might as well shoot yourself in the nutsack.And oh yeah,all women eventually become like their mom anyway)

10. I get turned on simply seeing that I have an e-mail from you.

Well,unless that e-mail is vibrating and in the form of a penis,just seeing I have an e-mail from my man will have to be something pretty damn special to make me horny.Don't know about you,but I really don't think I'm that easy)

11. I expect you to call me.

(Very true.We like updates,regular updates.Even on things you think are unimportant.Call us anyway,just in case.An unexpected sweet phone call to your lady could get you some extra nookie,because a man willing to call you for no particular reason,is like an aphrodisiac to some women)

12. Only rock stars are allowed to wear leather pants.

(80's rock stars,mind you,today's rock stars are all environmentally friendly and shit - they don't do leather anyway)

13. I’m scared of losing my independence.

(Well,I've got no problem giving up my independence if it means I get to boss around my own personal man-slave,or boyfriend,whatever you want to call it)

14. I’m more forgiving of you than I really should be.

(Now this one is super true,I am amazed almost daily,of how much a woman is prepared to forgive her man for,only to bitch and moan for days about what an ass he is)

15. Oral sex is your get-out-of-the-doghouse-free card. Manolo Blahnik shoes also do the trick.
(I personally don't like receiving oral sex,but that is an issue for another time.And I hate wearing high heel shoes,so this doesn't really work for me)

16. You did something bad. I seem cool with it. I’m not. (See directly above.)
(Well,obviously I'm not cool with it.Just wait until the prescription drugs wear off,then I'll give you a piece of my mind...)

17. If I’m not having sex with you, I’m… a.) …having a fat day. b.) …not feeling “connected” to you. c.) …blackmailing you to get something I want.
(Women can have all kinds of fucked up reasons for not having sex with their man.If we were going to make a multiple choice answer list for this question,the alphabet would have to be wayyy longer than 26 letters)

18. Shoes determine whether you’re fashionable or not.
(Since I have absolutely no fashion sense,I would think it would be a little hypocritical of me to judge people's shoes)

19. I own a Debbie Gibson CD, and I’m not afraid to use it.
(Ok,either I'm way too old for this Debbie Gibson person,or she's the old one and she was wayyy before my time,because I for serious don't know who she is)

20. When I compare my flabby tummy to a kangaroo pouch, say nothing.
(Never just say nothing,because like they say,silence can be an answer too.And if you say nothing,we just assume you're agreeing with us,or thinking something worse.Just rub that flabby tummy - or even better,kiss it - and tell your girl that you wouldn't have it any other way)

21. A man I love plans the occasional fancy-schmancy dress-up date and impromptu weekend getaways, and he buys my favorite candy in advance when we’re just going to the movies.
(Every girl loves to feel special now and then,and obviously,candy does make most bad things in life a whole lot better.So this one is a good one)

22. You look hot in hooded clothing items.
(Unless your man is a skateboarder or some sort of X Games participant,or stuck out in the rain with an umbrella,I don't really see why he would be wearing a hooded clothing item anyway.Unless he was part of the KKK,which is not hot either)

23. You should never tell me what to do.
(Fellas,this is a keeper.This is the master point to remember.Even if we ask for your advice,do not,for your own safety,tell us what to do.We basically only want you to confirm that our idea is the right thing to do.Remember this)

24. If I slept over, you owe me breakfast.
(It's the least you can do if I 'ate' your 'eggs and sausage' the previous night)

25. My breasts love much licking and sucking.
(They sure do,but ask the girl first,for goodness sake.Don't just begin sucking like the secret of life is buried in her breastesess and the only way you can get to it is by sucking it out.Ask her how she likes it first,because some like it gentle and some like it rough,and if you do it wrong,you might end up with a restraining order,instead of in her pants)

26. If you ask me out directly, I will say yes.
(If you're hot,for sure,if not,you'll have to prove your income and total financial status first.Just joking,but yeah,being direct doesn't always get you the girl,because more often than not,you come off looking like a full-of-yourself douchebag)

27. I’m very impressed when you ask for my advice.
(Probably,but us girls are usually more impressed when you actually do what we tell you to do,like put down the toilet seat,or throw your clothes in the laundry,you know,difficult to remember stuff like that)

28. I’m unimpressed with a man who doesn’t take the lead.
(I do like a man who looks like he could take charge,especially in bed)

29. When in doubt, go with the shirt that matches your eye color.
(Unless you have eyes the color of poo.That really isn't a good color on anyone)

30. I want to be Madonna.
(Listen,where everyone got this idea that all women want to be Madonna,is beyond me,because quite frankly,I do not want to look like the living dead at 50.Sophia Loren,now there's an old lady to aspire to look and be like.She's still hot and sexy at 70!Suck it Madonna!)

31. Women get urinary-tract infections easily, so watch (and wash) your fingers.
(I might sound like a dirty little bitch after this,but I will take a little old urinary-tract infection if my man is really,really good with his hands - it's just a price I am willing to pay,ok?Don't judge me)

32. I’m in heaven when you hold my hand.
(This is very true for me.And since I'm so sentimental,nothing makes my heart melt faster than an old couple who still holds hands,even if it is just to keep each other upright - it's still sweet)

33. You’re sexy when you’re shaving, fixing things, wearing a white T-shirt and jeans, driving, eating a peach, holding a baby.
(Anything that shows us ladies you're not just super masculine,but also super sensitive,is a winner.I will full-heartedly concur with this point)

34. I need to hear how you feel about me. Often. Tell me now.
(Constant reassurance,that's where it's at.If you feel you've said "I love you" too much this last week,say it twice as much next week,because you probably haven't said it enough,and your lady is already wondering whether you truly love her :-)

35. Surprises, especially gifts for moi = more loving.
(True,true,and you might want to give extra attention to grandma's,nieces and pets.Those will all win you brownie points with the missus)

36. I want to be the best thing that ever happened to you–and for you to recognize this.
(Reference point no.34.Say it often,and say it like you mean it.Doing this can and will get you much extra loving)

37. If I’m not feeling loved, I will start looking….
(Men think women don't cheat,but eventually even the most loving missus can start looking around,but we go about cheating differently.Women basically cheat to get a new relationship,whereas men usually cheat to get some more/new kind of sex)

38. Discussion of ex-gf’s and ex-bf’s should be avoided at all times.
(Oh yeah,so true!Nothing pisses me off more than hearing about how so-and-so used to do this and that.Usually I don't even know the bitch and I still want to punch her titties off)

39. I like it when you tell me what you’re thinking, even if you don’t know yourself.
(Women are all basically born with the need to nurture and help.Men are like our little projects.And nothing makes a woman feel more loved than when a man trusts her with his thoughts.Unless those thoughts are of threesomes with Irish midget twins.Then sharing your thoughts isn't a very good idea)

40. Celebrating our anniversary, even if it’s only been a few months, earns major bonus points.
(This is an obvious one.You want to have a sustainable sex life for the next couple of years?Just jot down the date on your calendar or set a cellphone reminder,even a simple man can't forget an anniversary then)

41. I love it when you’re sweaty.
Unless your sweat smells like Hugo Boss cologne,go take a freaking shower before you want some nookie!)

42. It’s best to consult your gal pals for gift ideas.
(No,no,no.You should probably try to get to know your girlfriend.You know that way you will be able to get her a present,all by yourself.Just like a big boy)

43. A lady should always be greeted with kisses.
(Unless you had garlic for lunch,then lots of hugs will do,thanks)

44. I like porn.
(This is what most men hope,but no,some women seriously just don't like porn.Like a friend of mine - she hates porn,any porn,with a passion.I however,like myself a bit of porn now and then.So guys,don't just assume your girl likes porn.Test out the waters first.Just never ask your girl to do the moves they do in the porno's.You might walk out with your centre leg missing,because remember,your girl doesn't get paid for the crazy shit you probably want her to do,so if she doesn't want to do it,let it go.Or get out your credit card and pay up)

45. I love holding your bum in the palms of my hands.
(Ooh yeah!I love doing that.But guys,while she's doing this,try to keep your natural body gasses in check.Bodily gasses are never called for during sexy times)

46. Even nice girls like hushed dirty talk in public.
(Unless you're married to the 'Bree van de Kamp' type,then you're just shit out of luck)

47. It’s cheating as soon as you’re doing something with her that you wouldn’t want me to see, hear, read…
(This is very,very,extremely true.Because why else wouldn't you want your girl to see it?Guys often think cheating is only sex.But trust me,to your lady,cheating can be a whole lot of things,that don't even involve sex)

48. For the record: I’d rather you break up with me than cheat.
(Hells to the NO!I would rather break up with YOU first)

49. I remember everything about our relationship.
(Unless you're an incredible lover,I'll probably only remember the shitty stuff you did,to be used in later arguments)

50. You should know all this and more without my telling you.
(This is probably the one point that is completely true.Get to know your ladies,guys!And before you say that we're too complicated,you guys aren't exactly a 6-piece puzzle either!)

There you go.50 points done and dusted.

What do you all think about these points?I would love to hear your thoughts.


drollgirl said...

i am still learning about the male gender, that is for sure. they are confounding freaks sometimes, but you could say the same for the ladies! random thoughts on this post:

#4 - what the hell?!?!?
#5 - dead on. i am sure i will still think i am pregnant every month even if i am 60 years old.
#7 - 'fine' is horrible, ALWAYS.
#9 - i refuse to think about this one right now. shudder.
#18 - my feet scream in agony if they think they might have to wear heels. you CAN be fashionable without that shit. flats, wedges -- they still look great if you pick the right ones.
#19 - DEBBIE GIBSON!?!??!?! do not give her another thought. bad pop singer from the 90's. you aren't missing a thing if you don't know who she is.
#24 - snort! your comment is HILARIOUS!!!
#30 - i'd never want to be madonna. EVER.
#40 - BARFARONI. take a shower.

Errant Gosling said...

Enlightening. :)

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